It has been a hard week in school for me. Not only did I struggle with keeping up with my assignments, but I also struggled with dealing with my own past. So many things that I regret, so many things that still hurt. I have suffered from abandonment and verbal abuse from a particular man that I truly trusted. At first I tried not to let it get to me. I tried to let the fact that he was so distant from me not bother me. There was also another type of abuse I was involved in but I do not wish to disperse that for right now. The point is, it all hit me today, as if all the things that had happened to me happened today. It made me freeze and cry so many tears as I laid on the floor. Why do people see me in this way that they feel that they can take advantage of my love for them? Why have I been hated by people as I was growing up? Why did people play pranks on me when I was in school just to see me cry? Why did the church reject me when I was growing just because I was deemed "different"? I cannot tell you how many years I have felt the sting of loneliness from everyone. And now today, it still follows me. It still haunts me, telling me that all of it was my fault somehow. I cannot deny that God has made me "different", there is nothing that I can do to change that. I know I cannot live up to people's expectations, but I can barely live up to my own.
I have to let this all go. This is what I have learned when I was in MMA today. I tried to train today, but the sorrow of what John did a year ago made me break. I had to run up to the dressing room and curl up there and cry... "oh, why John? I am so sorry for being incomplete. I am sorry for failing in your expectations of me. Oh Lord, why do people hate me? Why do people look at me and look over me? Can they not see that I want to love them? Can they not see the pain that they inflict on me when they choose not to understand me and they choose to abandon me? All I ever wanted was a place I can call home. A place where I know I truly belong."
I asked one of the people that train there if I could borrow my Trainer's Bible real quick. I needed to remind myself of the truth. I looked up Isaiah 54 where it says: Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. 5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
Isaiah 54:4-5 (KJV) My hand rested on those words as I knelt there on the ground. Father, you never abandoned me. People might but You never have. Help me to remember this truth. Even if the world says that I am inadequate, the Lord....the Creator of the earth and this universe and everything in between says, " I want you."
It also says: O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. 12 And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. 13 And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children. 14 In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee. 15 Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me: whosoever shall gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.
Isaiah 54:11-15 (KJV)
I will always have children, I will always have my Saviour as my husband. He has called me as a woman forsaken by the world and yet I have value in His eyes. Nothing is more important in this existence than His will. If I focus on His service, if I focus doing His will and dwelling on the thoughts of Him, it will remind me that there is hope...that there is a time when all evil will end and I will have a large family in heaven and they accept me for who I am, just as Christ has. Someday I will not have to struggle with this...and I will finally be in the presence of the One that has never abandoned me and understands me completely. May all the glory go to Him! I look forward to looking into His eyes and say "I love you." until then, His Spirit shall always be with me and that is more than sufficient.
One person in MMA, one of my instructors, reminded me of one truth: Unforgiveness is a poison I do not want to take for it only affects me....and in the end, it will destroy me. My life is called for a lifetime of forgiveness. I shall leave the judging to my Lord. But I also pray and hope that He will forgive the people who tried to destroy me.
In the end, I was able to do two classes in a row in MMA. I do feel better. I must remember to commit to my training. I not only learn the physical things of self-defense but I also am learning how to heal my soul.
God bless you all!
